Lifestyle Rehab - Day 2

Last night I was up until about 2 am playing with mom's new blackbetty pear since I couldn't sleep. I finally woke up to my neigbhor talking louder than a mac truck. This morning I also woke up to my mom's phone going off because Don had sent her some scriptures that he is meditating on in his daily devotion. I replied back saying that I was sorry for not acting like a King's kid and that I was going to work on me for me and that I would call on him again one day (hopefully it won't be too late). I also told hime to read all of Hosea and the Song of Solomon. He responded saying he as well. Im not sure what that means but I have to force myself to not focus on what he is doing. It will just prolong the process. Interestingly enought. I remember last month when I was first put on professional probation at BP. I remember wishing If I could just get a break from everything (work, relationships, pressure, etc) so I could focus on me and my relationship with God I would be A OK. well it certainly feels that I got that wish although it was more of a thought than a petition to God. I feel in some ways that God is isolating me to himself so that he can first deliver me, then heal me, then restore me and make me whole. Michelle gave some good advice. I think I will fast salsa dancing and myspacing, drinking juice and talking on the phone excessively. The cable is even out all of the sudden so I can't even watch TV to distract me. This has God to be God trying to get my undivided attention. Well I think He's got my attention. Mom and I spent most of the day and early afternoon shopping for this new laptop. Talking about getting my business up and swinging. All afternoon I tossed and struggled with going to Bible Study tonight, the first reason being Don would no doubt be there and the second being it is the last Wed of the month (healing Wed) which is typically a long service. I got dressed, stopped at WaWa to get something to eat and then headed to the church (wanting to turn the car around all the while driving forward) It was more difficutlt than you cold ever believe to pass each jug handle u-turn and go back to my bed to cry and sulk. I made to the parking lot. Sat there for 10 mins procrastinating. I entered the backside fo the building and sat in the far back until Isiah came in then I moved forward a little more and sat next to him. I saw Don as soon as praise and worship started. his ears red as pain I had caused, his spirit fighting tooth and nail to stay up and yielded to God. My heart dropped and then so did my knees. I ended up sitting down and really just putting my head in my lap so I wouldn't keep looking to him or catch him looking for me. I am so ashamed of how I hurt him I can't even ookin him in th eye if he asked me to. My emotions have been so out of control that I've litteraly tried to drag people into my pain so it woudln't seem so lonely. How wrong I've been. How ashamed I am. It seems like there are so many things I have to work on and surrender and just not enought time to do it. I'm so afraid that I've lost him forever but by the same token I know that I can't afford to focus on him or an "us". I have to focus on me and what God needs from me and becoming completely satisfied in him. I just don't know where to start. I made it through praise and worship , offering and Pastor's opening prayer before my will failed me and took my feet right out that building and straight home to start this blog. I've called this Rehab b/c I stopped writing so long ago and now as God takes me through this rehab process, I have to detox, digress and destress and completely surrender and my strong will is fighting and kicking to still do what it wants to do but I am trying to make a conscious decision to not yield to anyone but the Spirit. How did I get to a place where being obedient to God became unatural and so uneasy??? How did I get here? and Lord How do I get out???!! God I need your strength to be my joy and your beauty for my ashes so I can rise above this once and for all.

Lifestyle Rehab - Day 1

I guess I should start at the beginning. So Donald and I are officially broken up as of Tuesday 9/25. Of course it was my doing. I really flipped out this time. After I came back from Rachael's house for the weekend and plus the meeting we had with Minister Kevin last weekend, I felt increasingly overwhelme at the thought of having to take steps back after so much had been invested over these past 2 years. Sunday evening before heading back down to South Jersey. I stopped by Pastor Jackson's house to visit Monique (before she disowned me for coming to Hackensack again and not stopping by). Apparently as I was getting ready to leave, Mrs. Jackson insisted that I stay for a few minutes because Michael was on his way to the house and wanted to see me (oddly enough). Although I did have a small crush on him on and off growing up, he always appeared to be very arrogant to me. Either way it was good to see him and Mo. We talked about our accomplishments, networking opportunities and exchanged some business cards. He kept commenting on my "muscular arms" and how good I looked. I just said thank you and kept it moving. Anyways, when I got back to South Jersey, even as I drove the highway and cross exit 7 (the threshold of North/South on the Jersey Turnpike), I felt a climate change within myself almost uncontrollalbe. It was then I determined that I was going to make this process very difficult because I was unwilling to go backwards for anyone or any reason. So Donald didn't stand a chance when I got to the apartment. I told him i wouldn't be attening Leanne's All white b-day party or Michelle's entourgage gathering because it would be too difficult to just go as friends and not significant others. In my mind, I really felt some type of way that in addition to not being able to stay over (even though we are not any ways physical) not I couldn't sit on his lap or hold his hand or embrace hime and I felt that again the affection that validates a need for me was being strippe from my grips again. Either way, It was then and there I returned the diamonds, blankets, shirts, teddie bear and even the mp3 player he gave me. He was thorougly disgusted with me and basically told me to call him when I get better. I assured him that I would never get better and the real "Tiffanie" will never come out again. After I got home and settled into my loniliness it is then that I completely flipped out. I sent texts to our closest friends telling them that I would no longer be going to the church and to encourage Donald b/c he would need it. As I sunk deeper into the regret of my reaction and stubborness, I sent a text to Donald telling him that he would regret everything. I got in my car with every intent on finding somewheres quiet and isolated where I could end my pain, misery and loneliness. Unfortunately, my feet were like cement as I looked over the Delaware bridge and the train tracks at which I carefully parked for an hour never saw a train. So I drove around quenching my thirst for love and neediness with the salt of my tears. Finally, I called the last person on earth anyone would expect I would reach out to for a hideaway. I called Nagima and asked if I could stay at her house that night (blanked, bear and pillow) in hand, she graciously gave up her room and bed and I slept on/off ever 2 hrs. awakening to stare at the stars and hush my brain again. I woke up the next morning to Mom, Dad and April panicking over my dissapearance and breaking out the calvary. I tried to provoke Mom to engage in degrading me even further but she refused to engage in that battle instead she did what she always has done, she encourage me with tough and soft love. I was reminded that I am a King's Kids and that I have been acting like a hoodrat instead. Yesterday, I cried to the point where I thought my tears were turnng to blood like Jesus' sweat when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemenye. My heart just feels so broken, my mind is so confused. I don't whether I'm coming or going half of the time. I want out of this world wind, this rut. I remember learning that the difference between and a rut and death is a matter of inches in depth. If I dig any deeper this will be irreversible.