Lifestyle Rehab - Day 1

I guess I should start at the beginning. So Donald and I are officially broken up as of Tuesday 9/25. Of course it was my doing. I really flipped out this time. After I came back from Rachael's house for the weekend and plus the meeting we had with Minister Kevin last weekend, I felt increasingly overwhelme at the thought of having to take steps back after so much had been invested over these past 2 years. Sunday evening before heading back down to South Jersey. I stopped by Pastor Jackson's house to visit Monique (before she disowned me for coming to Hackensack again and not stopping by). Apparently as I was getting ready to leave, Mrs. Jackson insisted that I stay for a few minutes because Michael was on his way to the house and wanted to see me (oddly enough). Although I did have a small crush on him on and off growing up, he always appeared to be very arrogant to me. Either way it was good to see him and Mo. We talked about our accomplishments, networking opportunities and exchanged some business cards. He kept commenting on my "muscular arms" and how good I looked. I just said thank you and kept it moving. Anyways, when I got back to South Jersey, even as I drove the highway and cross exit 7 (the threshold of North/South on the Jersey Turnpike), I felt a climate change within myself almost uncontrollalbe. It was then I determined that I was going to make this process very difficult because I was unwilling to go backwards for anyone or any reason. So Donald didn't stand a chance when I got to the apartment. I told him i wouldn't be attening Leanne's All white b-day party or Michelle's entourgage gathering because it would be too difficult to just go as friends and not significant others. In my mind, I really felt some type of way that in addition to not being able to stay over (even though we are not any ways physical) not I couldn't sit on his lap or hold his hand or embrace hime and I felt that again the affection that validates a need for me was being strippe from my grips again. Either way, It was then and there I returned the diamonds, blankets, shirts, teddie bear and even the mp3 player he gave me. He was thorougly disgusted with me and basically told me to call him when I get better. I assured him that I would never get better and the real "Tiffanie" will never come out again. After I got home and settled into my loniliness it is then that I completely flipped out. I sent texts to our closest friends telling them that I would no longer be going to the church and to encourage Donald b/c he would need it. As I sunk deeper into the regret of my reaction and stubborness, I sent a text to Donald telling him that he would regret everything. I got in my car with every intent on finding somewheres quiet and isolated where I could end my pain, misery and loneliness. Unfortunately, my feet were like cement as I looked over the Delaware bridge and the train tracks at which I carefully parked for an hour never saw a train. So I drove around quenching my thirst for love and neediness with the salt of my tears. Finally, I called the last person on earth anyone would expect I would reach out to for a hideaway. I called Nagima and asked if I could stay at her house that night (blanked, bear and pillow) in hand, she graciously gave up her room and bed and I slept on/off ever 2 hrs. awakening to stare at the stars and hush my brain again. I woke up the next morning to Mom, Dad and April panicking over my dissapearance and breaking out the calvary. I tried to provoke Mom to engage in degrading me even further but she refused to engage in that battle instead she did what she always has done, she encourage me with tough and soft love. I was reminded that I am a King's Kids and that I have been acting like a hoodrat instead. Yesterday, I cried to the point where I thought my tears were turnng to blood like Jesus' sweat when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemenye. My heart just feels so broken, my mind is so confused. I don't whether I'm coming or going half of the time. I want out of this world wind, this rut. I remember learning that the difference between and a rut and death is a matter of inches in depth. If I dig any deeper this will be irreversible.