Lifestyle Rehab - Day 2

Last night I was up until about 2 am playing with mom's new blackbetty pear since I couldn't sleep. I finally woke up to my neigbhor talking louder than a mac truck. This morning I also woke up to my mom's phone going off because Don had sent her some scriptures that he is meditating on in his daily devotion. I replied back saying that I was sorry for not acting like a King's kid and that I was going to work on me for me and that I would call on him again one day (hopefully it won't be too late). I also told hime to read all of Hosea and the Song of Solomon. He responded saying he as well. Im not sure what that means but I have to force myself to not focus on what he is doing. It will just prolong the process. Interestingly enought. I remember last month when I was first put on professional probation at BP. I remember wishing If I could just get a break from everything (work, relationships, pressure, etc) so I could focus on me and my relationship with God I would be A OK. well it certainly feels that I got that wish although it was more of a thought than a petition to God. I feel in some ways that God is isolating me to himself so that he can first deliver me, then heal me, then restore me and make me whole. Michelle gave some good advice. I think I will fast salsa dancing and myspacing, drinking juice and talking on the phone excessively. The cable is even out all of the sudden so I can't even watch TV to distract me. This has God to be God trying to get my undivided attention. Well I think He's got my attention. Mom and I spent most of the day and early afternoon shopping for this new laptop. Talking about getting my business up and swinging. All afternoon I tossed and struggled with going to Bible Study tonight, the first reason being Don would no doubt be there and the second being it is the last Wed of the month (healing Wed) which is typically a long service. I got dressed, stopped at WaWa to get something to eat and then headed to the church (wanting to turn the car around all the while driving forward) It was more difficutlt than you cold ever believe to pass each jug handle u-turn and go back to my bed to cry and sulk. I made to the parking lot. Sat there for 10 mins procrastinating. I entered the backside fo the building and sat in the far back until Isiah came in then I moved forward a little more and sat next to him. I saw Don as soon as praise and worship started. his ears red as pain I had caused, his spirit fighting tooth and nail to stay up and yielded to God. My heart dropped and then so did my knees. I ended up sitting down and really just putting my head in my lap so I wouldn't keep looking to him or catch him looking for me. I am so ashamed of how I hurt him I can't even ookin him in th eye if he asked me to. My emotions have been so out of control that I've litteraly tried to drag people into my pain so it woudln't seem so lonely. How wrong I've been. How ashamed I am. It seems like there are so many things I have to work on and surrender and just not enought time to do it. I'm so afraid that I've lost him forever but by the same token I know that I can't afford to focus on him or an "us". I have to focus on me and what God needs from me and becoming completely satisfied in him. I just don't know where to start. I made it through praise and worship , offering and Pastor's opening prayer before my will failed me and took my feet right out that building and straight home to start this blog. I've called this Rehab b/c I stopped writing so long ago and now as God takes me through this rehab process, I have to detox, digress and destress and completely surrender and my strong will is fighting and kicking to still do what it wants to do but I am trying to make a conscious decision to not yield to anyone but the Spirit. How did I get to a place where being obedient to God became unatural and so uneasy??? How did I get here? and Lord How do I get out???!! God I need your strength to be my joy and your beauty for my ashes so I can rise above this once and for all.